Book VI - page 1

What has happened to me...?
What have i become..?
An empty shell.
There is no colours in the world anymore. The world has become a shadow to me. The people insignificant, trivial and dull...
The is no challange anymore, i have become what i strived for; powerfull both in my arts but also in my network og infiltrators yet i could care less it is all pointless.
I know all that goes on almost, i am a shadow amongst men. Yet still they are toys, easilly swayed by intimate words... fools all of them...
I have become cold and distant. Staying for myself on the ship. Locking the world out, nothing matters anymore. There is no passion, no soul...

Why do i bother... Gabriel, Diigar even Shanra, all of them, they are at my feet, they will give me the world on a silver platter, yet i do not care... distractions at best... nothing more...
They have given me their souls, bound themself to my will... i have become to good at playing the victime.. and they are all fooled... Too easy...
Only one has ever truelly touched me, interested my... was a challange... something to work for, worth the effort...

This is not all true... there is another; Kallar but is it not just because of what he reminds me of?
He is one of the only i cannot just sway and bend to my will...

I am just waiting... weary of the world around me...

But what if... if he should ever return... i know he is out there... i dont care anymore... he holds no power over me anymore. Yes truth he holds a piece of my soul if he wants and could control some part of me, but he will never leve me like a whimpering fool for his affection... NEVER AGAIN... i am MUCH stronger now... And the only thing left is hate or is there even that, feelings are not a part of me anymore... He cared for Sivri, he cares for his regaind love... He NEVER cared for me that i know now and therefore he will never be able to play me again, never i will let down my guards if he should return... NEVER! I was betrayed thou i always kept my word even thou he didnt know much of what i did for him... i never betrayed him and i never will... unlike him i am true to my peomise and my words are my bonds...

Why is he always there in the back of my mind like a hunting spirit... i need to find a way to erase him... i need to kill every last memory and feeling... I need to destroy the shard to cut the bonds i have tied myself to him with... somehow i will prevail... and stand stronger... Stand without anyone having control over me... that does not diserve it...