Book VI - page 35

The shadows have changed me to my core i am certain as i feel them coursing through my veins. I am changing still becomming more like her and less... like me.

I feel a darkness falling over my heart.. and soul. Will this finally take away the pain?

But the powers.. ohh the powers... and i now see the world trough changed eyes... It is no longer as black and white as before... The tones of gray that has filled in between.

So much has happened and i have not had time to be on the ship much.

Amirol was brought back.. finally but the loss of him weighs heavy on my heart... He was the one pure thing... The one most like my true self... And now i lost him... I do not blaime him. I am tainted and dark... I am what he dispises most in this world; corruption. But i am happy for him at least now he is free again and i hope he will find the love i could never truely give him... Yet the sting in my heart i fear will linger forever and i dread to look upon his face ever again for the fear of having his judging eyes run over me.

A lot of conflicts have been styrring, Shanra has returned to the duskblade, so Shereeze told me... Not even a word? Guess that was how much he respected me to not even tell me of this face to face... And my ring?

I have meet a demon that is so much like Erinyea though he seems more obsessed than she does, he has to little patiance. He would fit well in the order if he can respect his place.

I finally found out about what it was with Kitty. She is a devourere. Kae'Dal broke her bonds and she does not know control. I was unprepared for the drain but i am not anymore. Diigar will make a new braclet for her with the gem from her collar but for now she wears mine.. So she knows.. This does not worry me however as i feel i can trust her. I feel so strongly for her... a need to protect her and be there for her... Diigar said i acted like a mother towards her...
Maybe he is right and i see Kitty as such?
I long for a child of my own... A girl to give all my love to, to be the center of my heart... But i do not think this would ever happen... My relations always break...

I dont know where we stand... Does he want her more than me? Is it his loyalty toward me that keeps him in place? Maybe i should set him free to see what he wants to do?
I do not blaim him.. Zizey is all that i am not... All that i wish i could be but never will... Strong, willfull and beautiful beyond compare.
She is a true leader... I will never be...