Book VII - Page 10

How could i forget this feeling... Every nerve and fiber is alive... But this is so different from the shadows where I only found darkness and extasy this is pleasure and pain rolled into one...

Rem feels like a kindre soul one who understands what it is like and know I know what to be weary of around the demon hunters. Their sight..But it seems that as long as she sleeps they cannot see her.. Wait is that why she sleeps still? I mean the fel I was sure would wake her but does she know the danger or...?


He seems so lost to himself as if he has blocked out how to live... I easilly see and sense the pain he is carrying inside. the loss of lovedones.. of Family...
But one needs to feel in order to live and well he does seem quite responcive to me.


I dont want to rush into anything... I know this is a dangerous game... But it is so hard to not be... me.
I am unsure if he really understands what he is playing with and that what he can awaken? But not only in me I would think.. What about himself?


What if I were responsible for pulling him down and for making his demonic side take over?
Should I just stop it now... the training... the experimenting?
But i am learning... and the hunger he has stirred again...

How can I not be facinated with everything he is when he looks like the part of me I hide away from the world... Could I ever be accepted to walk the streets like them?


I feel alive again for the first time in a long time... I feel like myself... No longing for the shadows well that is not true.. The longing is always there but there is no one. With Shanra gone... I dont trust anyone else when it comes to that... Could I do it myself? Am I strong enough? What about Shereezh maybe I could find her?


No no my mind is running of with me... Is it the fel? I know it is torture waiting upon tomorrow and I feel restless... I want more.. I mean I want to know more..
Why did my body turn to defend itself and still I was untouched by the fel? Does Erinya see him as an ally or a rival and what will this lead to.


We have not been intimate except to make the bond but it was hard to not get overwhelmed but the desire for more... And he seemd to.. like it?

I have SO many questions and I need to know more... But am i risking his life in hte proces? His sanity?


Only time will tell...

Book VII - Page 9

I've been up all night cause you have been putting up a fight. Seems like nothing I say gets through. Dont see the change as something bad. You are just like me now so why am I not content?

We said "Goodnight" but the silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
We've hit the wall again and there's nothin' I can do.
You have always been the one i trust without a doubt and with my life.

But I know that deep inside you don't understand me. You dont see who I really am.

The mornin' comes and you're reaching out for me just like everything's the same and I let myself believe things are gonna change.
When you kiss my lips and you hold my body close, do you wonder who's inside?
I need to leave before you wake.. I cannot do this right now... I want you back to who you really are but I also know that only half of me finds peace in your arms...

Book VII - Page 8

Once again I am here... Quill in hand.. So much to write and not knowing where to start...


Aredorn is gone. I am told he died... Did it have anyting to do with me showing him WHO I truly am? No I cant think like that.. I need to stop putting everything on me.
But it is in the past ad almost another year has gone since.


Ami is still the same, the city slick... Zizey says it is my own fault because of the way I have treated him and that he is just getting back at me for it all...
I dont know what to do and the ring... Handrel still hasent been able to track who has the ring and I know that it is just a matter of time before it is used against me. I dont want to hurt anyone...


The city is filled with demon hunters and I am scared out of my mind. I have kept away because I dont know if they can sense her and if they can... Will they killme on sight?
I need to know more of them so I can keep myself safe but how to approach them?

Book VII - Page 7

So many thoughts and emotions I haven't been able to put to writing.. Such a long time to account for and SO many messes to clean up.

How can it be that I have a daughter and not know of it? But she is so like him well and no I see Zizey in her as well or is that me? I am not sure... I have kept an eye on her from a distance not daring to meet her face to face. I have seen how easilly she handles the ship and the echoes that Yebern left.
I need to go to her at some point.. But I am afraid... For the first time in my life I am truly afraid...

Ami seems changed and strange.. something is wrong but Ziz dismissed it, she is busy with something... But him choosing the city over the forest, the fancy look and the women, NO i am not jealous or well maybe a little but no this is not MY Ami and this one they can have...
But is this my doing?

Shanra was back for a while but he is gone again and so is the promise of the shadows...
I feel so alone without my markings but at least Erinyea sleeps and only stirs from time to time.

I have meet this new elf Aredorn and the desire i feel towards him.. the hunger.. well that defiantly makes her stir but he does only know half of what I am and am I willing to drag him down this path? I dont feel alone when I am with him.. He listens and he talks so on that account he is Ami and Dii rolled into one... I kissed him and not just to make the bond I could have done that more.. professional but at least the kiss made it seem less well bloody.

I will tell him the last piece of the puzzle and he can decide for him self.. or should I just show him? I am not sure... All I know is that I feel drawn to him because he is there filling the emptiness inside and because there is no drama.. no complications just me and him.. for now.

I do think Dii has chosen so it would be good to stay away as to not confuse him further and Ami? I am not sure I need to know who he is now...

This time I just want to let myself free and not think of all the consequences or what can happen.. I just want to feel like... well like this.

Ohh and I still need to be sure where to take him cause there is so many places but also so many of those places hold memories and history... I think I need to go on a little hunt for the right place...

Book VII - Page 6

Its been a long time since I was back here on the boat and as I read through the pages I can only shake my head at myself.

I havent seen Dii or Ami for over 5 months now... Everyone and everything is gone.

I hate her for not doing anything about Jaro and no putting pictures in his head about pleasure is not a punishment.

I ran into Lokkie which was as always rather interesting and amusing but it made me take matters into my own hands and I went to seek out Jaro myself. We came to terms and his apology I actually believed.. Am I turning into Ziz?

As I was walking back I fell over a group of most interesting people and I decided to have a closer look. After their meeting I couldn't help but to approach their leader Ferrow. He seems to be a druid but there is something more.. Something dark.
Well he is leader of the Zindelars and over the next couple of days I was introduced to some of the others. The demonhunter I kept away from as best possible.
But Royjshi is interesting and worth a closer look.

Seems he is Ferrows brother...

So I took him by surprise with the kiss?? It was nothing just teasing him.. But Lorich was annoyed just because I have never been with him? That I picked Amirol over him and now Ferrow? I am not choosing Ferrow... It is not like that...

After it all went south with Jaro taunting me I was glad when Tyre found me... He is the one thing  that can always calm me down.

Book VII - Page 5

Just when i think i know my path... something like this happens...

The night was exhilarating... He is finally starting to understand that i am not made of glass and not hold back with me but give in to what he feels and wants.

I am stilled bruised from the night with Ami but i am over the edge exhausted from last night...

I got the answers i needed but some of them was a chock to me to hear him say and it almost makes me rethink if this risk is worth it... But It is, i need to heal properly...

It was an incredible night but it was his words that made me have that dream... and well a girl can fantasies cant she? As long as i wake up and remember it was just a dream.. a dream not to pursue...

Book VII - Page 4

Why do I keep getting so depressed from time to time. I am an emotional whirlwind inside.
Things get clouded and I convince myself of the easy why out.

I finally took matters into my own hands instead of always wallowing in self pity. I need to talk to both of them and last night i got the answers I need from the first.

the cuts and bruises from last night only makes me feel more alive. It was clear that we had not seen each other in a long time... And how I love this feral side of him... But still he is so much more than just a beast.

I fear for my meeting with Dii and what he his answers will be? But i miss him...

This is so confusing to stand with your heart ripped between two, how can i feel so strongly for them both? It is not right but still i cannot deny it, I can't choose and I can't stay away.

Both for now I will just go back and cuddle up in his arms and forget everything... for now