Book VII - Page 12

I dont know if today was a succes or a failer... I lost control, the feeling of being trapped wiht her being in control... I have tried so hard to fight her and keep her sleeping but the ritual or what it was.. the blood.. But I actually think it was more her wanting to show him who is in control...


The worst part is that Rem was effected so and I hope that it so as easy as he says to regain control of his own demon... I would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of me.


After we met at the Alter of Storms, he took me to a place in the Blastedlands near the portal. It was the place where he had gone through his own ritual to become a demon hunter.
Had I known he wanted her free i am not sure I would have gone along with him... Her interest in him because of his own demonic presence is growing. I feel it gnawing inside my mind and it scares me.


Everything was like a haze when she awoke and seeing him so weakend from the bloodloss I was afraid that she would kill him and I think only his attitude kept her from doing it because I know it was not my pleeding... Did she know that giving him a little of her power to heal him would strengthen his demon? Was that her plan all along?


I felt weak and sick when she finally gave me back control and it took all my strength to stay consious but I could not let my weakness show. I know had it been Ami he would have taken me in his arms and carried me all the way but I am still not sure what it is he truely wants from me.


He seems to trust me enough to let me watch over him... and sitting here and looking at him sleep brings me a little peace. Even though I feel her lost for wanting his demon to awake.


What will become of us I wonder... What is it I want from this?
I have missed the closeness but I still hold back... I am not sure what will happen if we take this further?

Amirol is still in my mind... and my heart but the constant feeling of being tainted of being wrong is always there with him. I will never be just the pure druid he hopes for.. untainted.. He will never accept my longing for the shadows and the playing with darkness... but does Rem?


I need to choose my path and follow it.. I need to heal the fractures inside somehow... But what is my path? And if I ever get whole again, what or who will I be?
If we try Rems idea and destroy that part of my soul what is left? I know what lies in the ring.. My commitment.. My love and my devotion... Who will I be without that? And what will I become?


Handrall contancted me over the shard, it seems he has made some deal with the human who has my ring. Tomorrow in Duskwood just before midnight.
Should I bring Rem? if we get the ring i need someone to take it? Should I call for Zizey or find Ami?

I dont know why but i am not ready for Rem to meet Zizey... And I dont trust Amirol in the state he is in... Is there anyone else?

I know Diehl will use my against whom ever I bring so it needs to be someone I trust but also someone to whom I am not a weak spot... I think Rem is my best hope at this...


We will see what tomorrow brings I guess...

Book VII - Page 11

Last night didnt really go to well... I mean who am I kidding, no matter where I go he will always be able to find me, control me if he so wishes... I need the ring back somehow.
But I cant help wondering what would have happened if Rem had gotten the ring? He does not know its full power and also the cost. Can I trust him? I know he says he is more an undead hunter than demons but then why is he a demon hunter by blood? It does seem he enjoys his fel powers. Not that I can in any way blame him. I mean my shadows it is much the same and I do miss them so... He wants me to meet him in the Burning Steppes the place where Shanra marked me. I will go to the alter tonight, there are a lot of memories there...

I am still unsure how to act around him and it was so hard to not move against him, sway him... The fel though not as alluring as the shadows still stirs my hunger or is it hers?

I need to tread carefully I am letting my guards down to fast... We have only know each other for a few days but he just feels so kindred like we have know each other for a lifetime...

It is good that she is sleeping so deep because this means I can be on my best behavior and not my usual quite impulsive self. The thoughts racing through my head as I left him... Well I can understand why Amirol would seek to get back at me... Why do I always do this? Why do I always fall right back in?

The suggestion Rem made about how to destroy the ring, I am not sure he fully grasps how it was created, but should I tell him? I mean it would have him knowing everything there is about it. I need to find out if I can trust him... but how?

I am actually quite intrigued by this leader of theirs not as I am by Rem but because he sounds so much like Shanra.

I miss him, his guidance and his unyielding faith in me, had it not been for some of our training I would say he was more like father figure than any... My Dark father... Better not let him hear or see me calling him that, not sure how he would react.

But there are so many I miss... So many lost over time friends and enemies, lovers and family...

I feel so alone at times... Maybe I should ask Zizey for the ritual to be done soon? I mean to be connected again through the ring but will she bring the sisterhood back or what is her plan with this? Are we starting again? I am not sure I can gather nor train new Furies but maybe... Well the Feral Heart could be taught and if I found a right hand to train well it would not be so far fetched?

Hmm so many things to begin thinking about again... Maybe it is time I go to the ship and get my old journals and my books. Could I do it without her finding out or is this the time to face her? I am not sure... I... Maybe I will just fly by on my way to the Burning Steppes to know my options and being up there.. Should I spend the night in Shadow Fang? Hmmm or go to Kara? Well lets see where the night takes me...

Book VII - Page 10

How could i forget this feeling... Every nerve and fiber is alive... But this is so different from the shadows where I only found darkness and extasy this is pleasure and pain rolled into one...

Rem feels like a kindre soul one who understands what it is like and know I know what to be weary of around the demon hunters. Their sight..But it seems that as long as she sleeps they cannot see her.. Wait is that why she sleeps still? I mean the fel I was sure would wake her but does she know the danger or...?


He seems so lost to himself as if he has blocked out how to live... I easilly see and sense the pain he is carrying inside. the loss of lovedones.. of Family...
But one needs to feel in order to live and well he does seem quite responcive to me.


I dont want to rush into anything... I know this is a dangerous game... But it is so hard to not be... me.
I am unsure if he really understands what he is playing with and that what he can awaken? But not only in me I would think.. What about himself?


What if I were responsible for pulling him down and for making his demonic side take over?
Should I just stop it now... the training... the experimenting?
But i am learning... and the hunger he has stirred again...

How can I not be facinated with everything he is when he looks like the part of me I hide away from the world... Could I ever be accepted to walk the streets like them?


I feel alive again for the first time in a long time... I feel like myself... No longing for the shadows well that is not true.. The longing is always there but there is no one. With Shanra gone... I dont trust anyone else when it comes to that... Could I do it myself? Am I strong enough? What about Shereezh maybe I could find her?


No no my mind is running of with me... Is it the fel? I know it is torture waiting upon tomorrow and I feel restless... I want more.. I mean I want to know more..
Why did my body turn to defend itself and still I was untouched by the fel? Does Erinya see him as an ally or a rival and what will this lead to.


We have not been intimate except to make the bond but it was hard to not get overwhelmed but the desire for more... And he seemd to.. like it?

I have SO many questions and I need to know more... But am i risking his life in hte proces? His sanity?


Only time will tell...

Book VII - Page 9

I've been up all night cause you have been putting up a fight. Seems like nothing I say gets through. Dont see the change as something bad. You are just like me now so why am I not content?

We said "Goodnight" but the silence was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
We've hit the wall again and there's nothin' I can do.
You have always been the one i trust without a doubt and with my life.

But I know that deep inside you don't understand me. You dont see who I really am.

The mornin' comes and you're reaching out for me just like everything's the same and I let myself believe things are gonna change.
When you kiss my lips and you hold my body close, do you wonder who's inside?
I need to leave before you wake.. I cannot do this right now... I want you back to who you really are but I also know that only half of me finds peace in your arms...

Book VII - Page 8

Once again I am here... Quill in hand.. So much to write and not knowing where to start...


Aredorn is gone. I am told he died... Did it have anyting to do with me showing him WHO I truly am? No I cant think like that.. I need to stop putting everything on me.
But it is in the past ad almost another year has gone since.


Ami is still the same, the city slick... Zizey says it is my own fault because of the way I have treated him and that he is just getting back at me for it all...
I dont know what to do and the ring... Handrel still hasent been able to track who has the ring and I know that it is just a matter of time before it is used against me. I dont want to hurt anyone...


The city is filled with demon hunters and I am scared out of my mind. I have kept away because I dont know if they can sense her and if they can... Will they killme on sight?
I need to know more of them so I can keep myself safe but how to approach them?

Book VII - Page 7

So many thoughts and emotions I haven't been able to put to writing.. Such a long time to account for and SO many messes to clean up.

How can it be that I have a daughter and not know of it? But she is so like him well and no I see Zizey in her as well or is that me? I am not sure... I have kept an eye on her from a distance not daring to meet her face to face. I have seen how easilly she handles the ship and the echoes that Yebern left.
I need to go to her at some point.. But I am afraid... For the first time in my life I am truly afraid...

Ami seems changed and strange.. something is wrong but Ziz dismissed it, she is busy with something... But him choosing the city over the forest, the fancy look and the women, NO i am not jealous or well maybe a little but no this is not MY Ami and this one they can have...
But is this my doing?

Shanra was back for a while but he is gone again and so is the promise of the shadows...
I feel so alone without my markings but at least Erinyea sleeps and only stirs from time to time.

I have meet this new elf Aredorn and the desire i feel towards him.. the hunger.. well that defiantly makes her stir but he does only know half of what I am and am I willing to drag him down this path? I dont feel alone when I am with him.. He listens and he talks so on that account he is Ami and Dii rolled into one... I kissed him and not just to make the bond I could have done that more.. professional but at least the kiss made it seem less well bloody.

I will tell him the last piece of the puzzle and he can decide for him self.. or should I just show him? I am not sure... All I know is that I feel drawn to him because he is there filling the emptiness inside and because there is no drama.. no complications just me and him.. for now.

I do think Dii has chosen so it would be good to stay away as to not confuse him further and Ami? I am not sure I need to know who he is now...

This time I just want to let myself free and not think of all the consequences or what can happen.. I just want to feel like... well like this.

Ohh and I still need to be sure where to take him cause there is so many places but also so many of those places hold memories and history... I think I need to go on a little hunt for the right place...

Book VII - Page 6

Its been a long time since I was back here on the boat and as I read through the pages I can only shake my head at myself.

I havent seen Dii or Ami for over 5 months now... Everyone and everything is gone.

I hate her for not doing anything about Jaro and no putting pictures in his head about pleasure is not a punishment.

I ran into Lokkie which was as always rather interesting and amusing but it made me take matters into my own hands and I went to seek out Jaro myself. We came to terms and his apology I actually believed.. Am I turning into Ziz?

As I was walking back I fell over a group of most interesting people and I decided to have a closer look. After their meeting I couldn't help but to approach their leader Ferrow. He seems to be a druid but there is something more.. Something dark.
Well he is leader of the Zindelars and over the next couple of days I was introduced to some of the others. The demonhunter I kept away from as best possible.
But Royjshi is interesting and worth a closer look.

Seems he is Ferrows brother...

So I took him by surprise with the kiss?? It was nothing just teasing him.. But Lorich was annoyed just because I have never been with him? That I picked Amirol over him and now Ferrow? I am not choosing Ferrow... It is not like that...

After it all went south with Jaro taunting me I was glad when Tyre found me... He is the one thing  that can always calm me down.