Book VII - Page 12

I dont know if today was a succes or a failer... I lost control, the feeling of being trapped wiht her being in control... I have tried so hard to fight her and keep her sleeping but the ritual or what it was.. the blood.. But I actually think it was more her wanting to show him who is in control...


The worst part is that Rem was effected so and I hope that it so as easy as he says to regain control of his own demon... I would never forgive myself if something happened to him because of me.


After we met at the Alter of Storms, he took me to a place in the Blastedlands near the portal. It was the place where he had gone through his own ritual to become a demon hunter.
Had I known he wanted her free i am not sure I would have gone along with him... Her interest in him because of his own demonic presence is growing. I feel it gnawing inside my mind and it scares me.


Everything was like a haze when she awoke and seeing him so weakend from the bloodloss I was afraid that she would kill him and I think only his attitude kept her from doing it because I know it was not my pleeding... Did she know that giving him a little of her power to heal him would strengthen his demon? Was that her plan all along?


I felt weak and sick when she finally gave me back control and it took all my strength to stay consious but I could not let my weakness show. I know had it been Ami he would have taken me in his arms and carried me all the way but I am still not sure what it is he truely wants from me.


He seems to trust me enough to let me watch over him... and sitting here and looking at him sleep brings me a little peace. Even though I feel her lost for wanting his demon to awake.


What will become of us I wonder... What is it I want from this?
I have missed the closeness but I still hold back... I am not sure what will happen if we take this further?

Amirol is still in my mind... and my heart but the constant feeling of being tainted of being wrong is always there with him. I will never be just the pure druid he hopes for.. untainted.. He will never accept my longing for the shadows and the playing with darkness... but does Rem?


I need to choose my path and follow it.. I need to heal the fractures inside somehow... But what is my path? And if I ever get whole again, what or who will I be?
If we try Rems idea and destroy that part of my soul what is left? I know what lies in the ring.. My commitment.. My love and my devotion... Who will I be without that? And what will I become?


Handrall contancted me over the shard, it seems he has made some deal with the human who has my ring. Tomorrow in Duskwood just before midnight.
Should I bring Rem? if we get the ring i need someone to take it? Should I call for Zizey or find Ami?

I dont know why but i am not ready for Rem to meet Zizey... And I dont trust Amirol in the state he is in... Is there anyone else?

I know Diehl will use my against whom ever I bring so it needs to be someone I trust but also someone to whom I am not a weak spot... I think Rem is my best hope at this...


We will see what tomorrow brings I guess...