Book VI - page 37

Well it seems she has won...  They both let me go like i knew they would...
I have pushed them to fare and i cant blaime any of them.

Poor little lamb all broken and torn... Hush now and let me take your pain away... They did not want you badly enough, why else would they have let you go to your death?
Now will you go find your mentor or your master?
Where shall you soul be scattered and i be free? No more pain my little one... No more pain...

Darkness come take my pain away and let me sleep...

*Small scorched holes litter the page making it slightly difficult to read*

*A note tucked in between the sheets*

I stand on the brink of your mind
Living inside a nightmare from which I just cannot awaken
Just give me another moment from which I will never awaken

Stand on the brink of my own demise
Fallen again for another
Mistress of pain am I
Hoping that one of them will decide

To stand on the edge of the knife
Cutting through the nightmare from which I just cannot awaken
Stand on the edge of the night living inside a moment
From which I will never awaken

Look at what you've done to me
You've become my enemy
Poisoning the world for me
Taken away my everything
Weakened as I am

Book VI - page 36

Everything is a mess... I am so torn and broken inside... A betrayed and a seductress...

But i never meant to hurt him, never meant to hurt anyone... I don't know what is wrong with me, don't even recognize the one staring back at me from the mirror.

I am drowning in my sea of loathing, feeling what's left of my elven side slowly changing in me.
There is no turning back now as i feel the demon inside me have awoken.
I can sense inside myself, the darkness is rising and it seems that all that was good inside has died
and is decaying in me.

Who am i trying to fool... Another dream that will never come true...


I have taken your life from you, a gift i add to my own pain and suffering.
Another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely and all the cries
you're beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening.

Another nightmare is about to come true... Another love that I've taken from you
Letting you taste the evil i breed, leveling you complete and bringing to life everything that you fear as I live in the dark like a woman in suffering never truly telling you why. I just come around to let you saver each moment but leaving you broken like a bloodstained hurricane.

When the heart is cold and broken, there's no hope for me running into the neather away from all my power has done to you. I only hope you will heal inside... Trapped in this holocaust watching me laugh. My face haunting your waking moments.

It seems my very soul has to bleed this time leaving another hole in the wall of my inner defenses.

But my love is split in two, like my soul... bleeding inside only feeling relive with each of you.
This i know cant go on but where will i end? Do they even see what hides behind the soft smile and shining eyes. Do they even sense the change inside.

I need to let go but i fear that that will mean loosing the last strand of humanity inside me... The darkness filling me completely and driving out all else...

I only hope the ritual can give me control... But i fear i will be lost in darkness...

Book VI - page 35

The shadows have changed me to my core i am certain as i feel them coursing through my veins. I am changing still becomming more like her and less... like me.

I feel a darkness falling over my heart.. and soul. Will this finally take away the pain?

But the powers.. ohh the powers... and i now see the world trough changed eyes... It is no longer as black and white as before... The tones of gray that has filled in between.

So much has happened and i have not had time to be on the ship much.

Amirol was brought back.. finally but the loss of him weighs heavy on my heart... He was the one pure thing... The one most like my true self... And now i lost him... I do not blaime him. I am tainted and dark... I am what he dispises most in this world; corruption. But i am happy for him at least now he is free again and i hope he will find the love i could never truely give him... Yet the sting in my heart i fear will linger forever and i dread to look upon his face ever again for the fear of having his judging eyes run over me.

A lot of conflicts have been styrring, Shanra has returned to the duskblade, so Shereeze told me... Not even a word? Guess that was how much he respected me to not even tell me of this face to face... And my ring?

I have meet a demon that is so much like Erinyea though he seems more obsessed than she does, he has to little patiance. He would fit well in the order if he can respect his place.

I finally found out about what it was with Kitty. She is a devourere. Kae'Dal broke her bonds and she does not know control. I was unprepared for the drain but i am not anymore. Diigar will make a new braclet for her with the gem from her collar but for now she wears mine.. So she knows.. This does not worry me however as i feel i can trust her. I feel so strongly for her... a need to protect her and be there for her... Diigar said i acted like a mother towards her...
Maybe he is right and i see Kitty as such?
I long for a child of my own... A girl to give all my love to, to be the center of my heart... But i do not think this would ever happen... My relations always break...

I dont know where we stand... Does he want her more than me? Is it his loyalty toward me that keeps him in place? Maybe i should set him free to see what he wants to do?
I do not blaim him.. Zizey is all that i am not... All that i wish i could be but never will... Strong, willfull and beautiful beyond compare.
She is a true leader... I will never be...

Book VI - page 34

So much has happened i dont even know where to start. He is sleeping on the bed in the cabin as i have taken my jounal outside in the cool air to relax a little. He meet Erinyea for the first time but he didnt seem to mind her too much, but ohh how my body aches from the strain.

The loss of Tyre took its tole but well i did not get as fare as to give my feelings free but now i needed to find someone else to guard my ring.

But it was nice to be a little normal for a while... the winters veil he held for me was my first and it warmed me inside in a way i have not feelt since i was a child.
He knows all of me now i can only think of what he will do with that?

Shanra has the ring as he was one of the only ones i trusted at that time. He and Erinyea seems to enjoy each others company and i had not objections at that point.

I was so alone when he returned. I had Shanra but i know how he is and therefore we will never be anything but allies, deep compassionat allies... but allies still.

And he clearly won the hunt. Cleaver of him to trick me into loosing my powers.
I felt a deep sting as he saved my life on the island that night and i knew he would never leave me and that his words are ture... They must be...

Well there has been so much to do with the order and i am looking forward to but also dreading the ritual of assention...

It will not be easy to keep this a secret but i most.. for now... and i can only hope that this will not end like last... That would be my demise...
But to feel what i felt then.. what i still feel... stop always holding back... let go of all the fear...
He said he wants me not just my body but all that i am... This will either be a dream come true or another trip to the neathers.

Ohh but to have that whole filled again and be one... To be able to let go and move on from the images of him that still haunts my every waking hour...


Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires...

Book VI - page 33

I failed...

I wanted to show him why he needs to be more than just a soldier... To try and ignite that fire that must burn inside us all... Rekindle his passion for the world...

And i fell... yet again... My own embers were the ones that roared into a fire...

Aww my sweet little naive girl... You forget that years for a but a blink for me... I may rest but i am always here with you... The thought of tainting this pure soul is enticing and i will slumber and play along... for now...

I took him to Darnassus... It has been so long since i have been.. home...

Nightshade had grown but she still remembered me and let him ride her... We went to shadowglen, i wanted to show him the peacefulness there. He seemed all surpriced when one of the deercalfs there nibbled at his pants curiously...

I went to Northrend to retrive some of the frostberries for the juice as i knew he did not drink alkohol or well so i guessed.

But then it started again... I could not restrain myself... Her presence overwhelmed me but only one kiss, then i got control... I fled... leaving him behind...
I hid deep in the caverns that night shameful of turning a nice evening into this...

Why can i not just be with people... Why do i ruin everything? I need to train... hard!

But tomorrow i must face my demons... I must find him... I must say i am sorry...

Book VI - page 32

He was there again... Looking out over the waters... I regarded him for some time before he noticed my presence.

We talked a long time this night... It is nice to not be judged by one of his kind for once.

It pains me that he follows his path so relentlessly that he has forgotten his heart, closed it off... He has indeed had a troubled life filled with hardship and pain.

But he needs to be reminded why he became a soldier in the first place... He needs to rediscover his fire... He needs to live again...

I invited him to come with me tomorrow and to let me show him why it is we do fight for the light...

He accepted