Book VI - page 27

I cant seem to get my thought down on papir these days all seems such a struggle...

*the ink is smudged out as if trying to erase it*

Book VI - page 26

Yesterday was strange in so many ways, i really did not feel myself after that test of Shanras, Erinyea had surfaced to much and her feelings and desires were overwhelming my own... The lust for killing, the lust for power, the lust for passion.
I have been feeling to safe with her slumbering and she took control to easily... But i could not have faught both the spells pressing down on me and her.

Stupid silly girl, do you think you interest the, the demonic powers are inticing and the possibilities of controlling a demon whit that kind of power, why would you interest any of them...

I went to hide the ring in a new location and what better place than were many of my enemies would look last... Their own back yard so to speak... Just near Karazahn. I could not help but to have an extra look around as i was there so i went to the walls where Azhana had once given me her offer, to train me in any power i should wish for... I wonder...
The Reaver came... He has always intriuged me so from the moment i saw him first and all Ziz frightened talk of him. He asked me so i told, i have no reason or gain from lieing about such.
Ahh such dark power truely an instrument of the shadowd... Want more... NEED more, god god girl for having those two on your side at least for now... But can you handle Them?
I went to Shanra efter that as i needed to make sure i had not offended him too much...

And why should you care he dosent LOVE you more than he loves all his toys...

He had a potential student there, Haven, such an alluring and playfull creature. One of the reason i fall SO for the humans.
Erinyeas hunger took over and i gave in where i normally would not... Have i changed so already? Have i become what i despise so?
One giving in to lust and desires instead of keeping a clear mind... Keeping distant...
Shanra told me it was foolish yet admirable that i had faced the reaver on my own.
He took me to meet two of his... Pets.
I do not care who he is with, as long as my place is secure but firstly that little dreanei, clining to him like a child to a mother...

Insulence... Killing her would have been ssso gooddd. To drain the life from her pretty face and make her know her place when she is not alone with him.

And then Patrichia walks in, i do not hate many but she really annoys me. She is so recless and holds no control, she seems even slightly slow in the head... He sure can pick their beauty but brains often lacks...
Somwthing was outside my instinc warned me, but i was too slow... Dammit i need to focus on my fighting skills more, i have been slacking off. The shadow guards dagger cut me, nothing serious mostly my pride beening hurt this day!

The Reaver got him... I was exchilerated by his presence but unsure how to act after our last encaunter... Good thing for Shanras toy that the reaver revears him so, to challange  and hide behind anothers back... Weak and cowardes... I lost all respect for her as well, so one without brains and a coward. This is not booding well...

After they left i talked with the Reaver. He took me to the shadow realm... I know i have been there MANY times, but that sensation was new to me intirely...

Book VI - page 25

I could not resist anymore... nor did i truely want to...
He stayed with me all night?

Silly girl are you loosing what little heart you have left to one who will never be yours? weak to give in are you not... you know you will end up hurt.. throwning away what could have brought you peace... do you even want to be happy or do you enjoy the chaos and pain?

The training brought out Erinyea... how stupid of me to forget, to let my guard down with her... but she has been quiet for so long i had almost thought her gone...
Was it because of the straine on me from keeping my ward up to protect me from the flames? or was it the presence of both Shanra and The Reaver?

Ohh how he intriges me, he always have... I feel a strange surge around him, yet he seems to not remember me, is that a ruse? It must be as i should not be naive and think other wise with him.
Ziz and Yeb told me so much...

Shanra seemed to be protective of me as i had a hard time holding my tounge and restraining my teasing nature around The Reaver.

You stupid fool the Reaver will kill you... From the ashes and into the fire once more... to wake a reavers attention and interest is almost certain death... and this it THE Reaver.
Still you flirt around... let him see to much... ohh but the power... the power of both... i want more!

The night in his embrace i could not have imagined unlike Yebern there is also care in his touch... Unlike Diigar he feels what i want.. crave.. need... He is my master and he is not afraid to show me.

I know we will never be more then this... I know what he is and that he can never be owned...

I look to the training later today with fight... it has been a long time since i have let Erinyea free myself.
To let her talk with Shanra... I am not sure that this is a good idear but for now i will play along and trust him..

I do not wear the ring anymore... it was never meant to be and i was just fooling myself trying to live a lie...
I pray to Elune for forgivness though a part of me does not even care, like with Diigar...

I tried to tell them all that i cannot love... not really anymore... that was why i removed that part of my soul... to never be hurt like that again...

Shanra stirrs so time to still the hunger deep inside once more...

Book VI - page 24

It is so hard for me.. all the feelings comming back.

I have been hiding on the boat again, training and i called Jade to me, was that unfair of me to do, to take her away from her lover?
She was how ever a help to me... keeping my mind free of to many thoughts.

I dont know how strong i can stay around him... He is my lord and i have told Diigar this.
Diigar wanted me to be the dark leader and i tried to tell him the consequence of that possition.

The dark mistress or the feral druid? I have so long struggled between the two sides, can they be one?

I have chosen my path for now to strengthen in the shadows...
I feel free for once no thought of Yebern for so long... am i finally starting to heal?

Book VI - page 23

Shanra is back... I should know by now that my dark lord comes and goes as he pleases...
I tried to be distant and tell him off but i just cant.
What is this new side he shows me? Consern and remorse... Even affection?
I know when people are lying to me and this did not feel as a lie.
I am however not that blind i know who and what he is... Nor do i want to trade Diigar for him...
But still there is something touching me to see this side. Was he like this with Ziz? So deep and affectionat...

I told him to much... About the ring... That new found caring caught me of guard but luckily he dosent know the significanse of the ring. I need to be more carefull, dont let my guard down like last night...
He was surpriced that i actually do not want that part of my soul back... He pittyed Yebern for ever letting me go...
He asked why i followd him so willingly, apparently the first without a prize?
He told me what he taught had happened with Jade and he seemed pleased with all my work. I actually felt pride from him.
He says i hide so much of true potentiale away letting people only see my mask, the weak and frail elf that is of no danger to anyone. He is right no one wants to see more.

Diigar sees me like Shanra does... At least i think he does.

I want to be by Shanras side again like the silver shadow from before.
I want to be there when he meets with Garett.

I should also seek Garett out myself?
This house of Artios i need to find out more about them? Is it not s paladin that reigns?
Kalliades or something.

Hmm maybe it is time to start cheeking up on my different ties around the different groups.

Book VI - page 22

Jade worries me, it seems that the collar is the only thing keeping the shadows at bay from her, i hear them whisper that she belongs to them, she was made of them.
But she was never meant to have a life of her own.. By the neather i wish Shanra was not in the shadow realms all the time, i need his advice on this.

I care for her well she is a part of me but it is larger than that i feel as though she is my daughter i cant explain it.

I have changed the collar a little it should hold out better now but i fear that she has become a conduit as even the collar cant seem to hold the shadows from her eyes and her emotions.

She has my inner hunger, i prayed she would not be burdened by that but i can only hope that this human does not break her that was what after all made me fall... almost a dacede since yet it still pain me even now.

I can speak his name without the hurt and the anger overwhelming me and it is only because of Diigar, he stills my raging desires he knows how to handle me.

Should i tell her human.. how to handle her?
Would he even understand, the life i have lived beside the embrace, beside Yebern, Shanra and Ashana beside the Reaper.

The constant fear back then when i was weak...
To come to walk beside them never as allies well except for Shanra.

I miss Ziz but she is gone i cannot feel her. I dare not go find out why not... i could not bare if she was lost at least she is not in trouble that i would be able to feel.
I still feel her lips against mine the night Shanra marked me...

Well i will let Jade return and either have a look at this human for wich she feels so strongly from the shadows or i will me him face to face.

I like training Diigar it gives me purpose makes me feel like i can give something back. He is doing great and really exceeding my expectations. And the moments after our training, the passion and desire.
The shadows seem to only highten me in evry way, he said i almost looked like a goddess there. The runes shine so clear when i walk on that plane, a huge part of me feels at home there but my wild side the druid in me cringes from the darkness.

What is my Destiny i wonder...

Book VI - page 21

I am actually excited about training him more in the ways of the shadows, to push him as i did myself to train on the plane itself.
I wonder if he even knows the dangers there? Ha ve i told him what happened to me the first time i tried to go there?

I have not felt excitment in a long time, but this almost thrills me. Is it the new connection i have gotten from Shanra? How will they shadows feel now, what powers will i hold there i wonder.

And to be there with one i actually trust... When have i last trusted someone?
I dont think i have since Yebern *the words seems written almost with pride*

And i think the planes i have made will lead me to something more... my own purpose.. free of him.
Finally and Diigar help me with this.. his patience and devotion.

He is mine and i will tollerate him having no others anymore... He knows that my possition as mistress will make me have others but not like us, not that close. He is the one, the first to reach my heart after he shattered it.

I see clear and free again... It has been like trying to breath through a pillow and finnaly it has been removed.