Book VI - page 27

I cant seem to get my thought down on papir these days all seems such a struggle...

*the ink is smudged out as if trying to erase it*

Book VI - page 26

Yesterday was strange in so many ways, i really did not feel myself after that test of Shanras, Erinyea had surfaced to much and her feelings and desires were overwhelming my own... The lust for killing, the lust for power, the lust for passion.
I have been feeling to safe with her slumbering and she took control to easily... But i could not have faught both the spells pressing down on me and her.

Stupid silly girl, do you think you interest the, the demonic powers are inticing and the possibilities of controlling a demon whit that kind of power, why would you interest any of them...

I went to hide the ring in a new location and what better place than were many of my enemies would look last... Their own back yard so to speak... Just near Karazahn. I could not help but to have an extra look around as i was there so i went to the walls where Azhana had once given me her offer, to train me in any power i should wish for... I wonder...
The Reaver came... He has always intriuged me so from the moment i saw him first and all Ziz frightened talk of him. He asked me so i told, i have no reason or gain from lieing about such.
Ahh such dark power truely an instrument of the shadowd... Want more... NEED more, god god girl for having those two on your side at least for now... But can you handle Them?
I went to Shanra efter that as i needed to make sure i had not offended him too much...

And why should you care he dosent LOVE you more than he loves all his toys...

He had a potential student there, Haven, such an alluring and playfull creature. One of the reason i fall SO for the humans.
Erinyeas hunger took over and i gave in where i normally would not... Have i changed so already? Have i become what i despise so?
One giving in to lust and desires instead of keeping a clear mind... Keeping distant...
Shanra told me it was foolish yet admirable that i had faced the reaver on my own.
He took me to meet two of his... Pets.
I do not care who he is with, as long as my place is secure but firstly that little dreanei, clining to him like a child to a mother...

Insulence... Killing her would have been ssso gooddd. To drain the life from her pretty face and make her know her place when she is not alone with him.

And then Patrichia walks in, i do not hate many but she really annoys me. She is so recless and holds no control, she seems even slightly slow in the head... He sure can pick their beauty but brains often lacks...
Somwthing was outside my instinc warned me, but i was too slow... Dammit i need to focus on my fighting skills more, i have been slacking off. The shadow guards dagger cut me, nothing serious mostly my pride beening hurt this day!

The Reaver got him... I was exchilerated by his presence but unsure how to act after our last encaunter... Good thing for Shanras toy that the reaver revears him so, to challange  and hide behind anothers back... Weak and cowardes... I lost all respect for her as well, so one without brains and a coward. This is not booding well...

After they left i talked with the Reaver. He took me to the shadow realm... I know i have been there MANY times, but that sensation was new to me intirely...

Book VI - page 25

I could not resist anymore... nor did i truely want to...
He stayed with me all night?

Silly girl are you loosing what little heart you have left to one who will never be yours? weak to give in are you not... you know you will end up hurt.. throwning away what could have brought you peace... do you even want to be happy or do you enjoy the chaos and pain?

The training brought out Erinyea... how stupid of me to forget, to let my guard down with her... but she has been quiet for so long i had almost thought her gone...
Was it because of the straine on me from keeping my ward up to protect me from the flames? or was it the presence of both Shanra and The Reaver?

Ohh how he intriges me, he always have... I feel a strange surge around him, yet he seems to not remember me, is that a ruse? It must be as i should not be naive and think other wise with him.
Ziz and Yeb told me so much...

Shanra seemed to be protective of me as i had a hard time holding my tounge and restraining my teasing nature around The Reaver.

You stupid fool the Reaver will kill you... From the ashes and into the fire once more... to wake a reavers attention and interest is almost certain death... and this it THE Reaver.
Still you flirt around... let him see to much... ohh but the power... the power of both... i want more!

The night in his embrace i could not have imagined unlike Yebern there is also care in his touch... Unlike Diigar he feels what i want.. crave.. need... He is my master and he is not afraid to show me.

I know we will never be more then this... I know what he is and that he can never be owned...

I look to the training later today with fight... it has been a long time since i have let Erinyea free myself.
To let her talk with Shanra... I am not sure that this is a good idear but for now i will play along and trust him..

I do not wear the ring anymore... it was never meant to be and i was just fooling myself trying to live a lie...
I pray to Elune for forgivness though a part of me does not even care, like with Diigar...

I tried to tell them all that i cannot love... not really anymore... that was why i removed that part of my soul... to never be hurt like that again...

Shanra stirrs so time to still the hunger deep inside once more...

Book VI - page 24

It is so hard for me.. all the feelings comming back.

I have been hiding on the boat again, training and i called Jade to me, was that unfair of me to do, to take her away from her lover?
She was how ever a help to me... keeping my mind free of to many thoughts.

I dont know how strong i can stay around him... He is my lord and i have told Diigar this.
Diigar wanted me to be the dark leader and i tried to tell him the consequence of that possition.

The dark mistress or the feral druid? I have so long struggled between the two sides, can they be one?

I have chosen my path for now to strengthen in the shadows...
I feel free for once no thought of Yebern for so long... am i finally starting to heal?

Book VI - page 23

Shanra is back... I should know by now that my dark lord comes and goes as he pleases...
I tried to be distant and tell him off but i just cant.
What is this new side he shows me? Consern and remorse... Even affection?
I know when people are lying to me and this did not feel as a lie.
I am however not that blind i know who and what he is... Nor do i want to trade Diigar for him...
But still there is something touching me to see this side. Was he like this with Ziz? So deep and affectionat...

I told him to much... About the ring... That new found caring caught me of guard but luckily he dosent know the significanse of the ring. I need to be more carefull, dont let my guard down like last night...
He was surpriced that i actually do not want that part of my soul back... He pittyed Yebern for ever letting me go...
He asked why i followd him so willingly, apparently the first without a prize?
He told me what he taught had happened with Jade and he seemed pleased with all my work. I actually felt pride from him.
He says i hide so much of true potentiale away letting people only see my mask, the weak and frail elf that is of no danger to anyone. He is right no one wants to see more.

Diigar sees me like Shanra does... At least i think he does.

I want to be by Shanras side again like the silver shadow from before.
I want to be there when he meets with Garett.

I should also seek Garett out myself?
This house of Artios i need to find out more about them? Is it not s paladin that reigns?
Kalliades or something.

Hmm maybe it is time to start cheeking up on my different ties around the different groups.

Book VI - page 22

Jade worries me, it seems that the collar is the only thing keeping the shadows at bay from her, i hear them whisper that she belongs to them, she was made of them.
But she was never meant to have a life of her own.. By the neather i wish Shanra was not in the shadow realms all the time, i need his advice on this.

I care for her well she is a part of me but it is larger than that i feel as though she is my daughter i cant explain it.

I have changed the collar a little it should hold out better now but i fear that she has become a conduit as even the collar cant seem to hold the shadows from her eyes and her emotions.

She has my inner hunger, i prayed she would not be burdened by that but i can only hope that this human does not break her that was what after all made me fall... almost a dacede since yet it still pain me even now.

I can speak his name without the hurt and the anger overwhelming me and it is only because of Diigar, he stills my raging desires he knows how to handle me.

Should i tell her human.. how to handle her?
Would he even understand, the life i have lived beside the embrace, beside Yebern, Shanra and Ashana beside the Reaper.

The constant fear back then when i was weak...
To come to walk beside them never as allies well except for Shanra.

I miss Ziz but she is gone i cannot feel her. I dare not go find out why not... i could not bare if she was lost at least she is not in trouble that i would be able to feel.
I still feel her lips against mine the night Shanra marked me...

Well i will let Jade return and either have a look at this human for wich she feels so strongly from the shadows or i will me him face to face.

I like training Diigar it gives me purpose makes me feel like i can give something back. He is doing great and really exceeding my expectations. And the moments after our training, the passion and desire.
The shadows seem to only highten me in evry way, he said i almost looked like a goddess there. The runes shine so clear when i walk on that plane, a huge part of me feels at home there but my wild side the druid in me cringes from the darkness.

What is my Destiny i wonder...

Book VI - page 21

I am actually excited about training him more in the ways of the shadows, to push him as i did myself to train on the plane itself.
I wonder if he even knows the dangers there? Ha ve i told him what happened to me the first time i tried to go there?

I have not felt excitment in a long time, but this almost thrills me. Is it the new connection i have gotten from Shanra? How will they shadows feel now, what powers will i hold there i wonder.

And to be there with one i actually trust... When have i last trusted someone?
I dont think i have since Yebern *the words seems written almost with pride*

And i think the planes i have made will lead me to something more... my own purpose.. free of him.
Finally and Diigar help me with this.. his patience and devotion.

He is mine and i will tollerate him having no others anymore... He knows that my possition as mistress will make me have others but not like us, not that close. He is the one, the first to reach my heart after he shattered it.

I see clear and free again... It has been like trying to breath through a pillow and finnaly it has been removed.

Book VI - page 20

A lone pair of watchful eyes, oversee the living
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
No regrets or promises, the past is gone
But you can set me free... If time will set me free
Time now to spread my wings... To take to flight
The life endeavour
Aim for the burning sun, im trapped inside
But it's a long long way to go

Keep moving way up high, show me the light... It shines forever
Sailing through the crimson skies
Sail through the wind and rain tonight
Im free to fly tonight to go higher than the mountain tops to go high like the wind don't stop

Book VI - page 19

I finally found it.. what i have been looking for for so long... No i need to go find Diig, now he needs to make a choice, because i will not do this lightly.
He needs to stop fiddeling around and comit to somthing, i need him to.
I do not need a nother lapdog of a mindless drone that i need to tell what to do and how to act.
No i want a leader someone to challenge me ne my equal.

Now the paths lay clear before me the shadows or the light?
The demon or the druid?
Can i even be only one again?

Was i too hard? I only wanted to be in his arms, to have him ease my hunger and longing. No this needed to be done for him to understand. All that with one of his little girls just made me more determined. He needs to choose the life he wants from now.

I need to take it further just like he said, i am holding myself back... chose...

Book VI - page 18

What in the neather is going on with me? what has changed?

Are what i feel really true, do i dare belive again?
It has been so long since it has just been me togather with another without the constant feel of her inside, feeding upon the energies between us.
The night was wonderful so much more soft and carring that it has been for so long.

I made a necklace for Jade, one that keeps her from reaching any power she night hold. Diig promised to give it to her.

Book VI - page 17

Interesting develoupment with Jade.
I was at the Stormpeeks with Gabriel seems he wants to try and teach me to channel and empower my powers with others. Well we didnt really get that fare as the meditaion was TO borring but we will try again, think i would need Diig to still my hunger first if i am to stil still like that for so long.
But as i returned to the boat Jade was awake? I dont understad how Shanra never told me this could happen? It seems she thinks, that life i created in my mind when i have been her, that it is real. I have decided to study this further as it seems she is loyal to the brink of devotion to me and she thinks she has been working for me all this time with the oath and all. I need to remember to tell Diig about this. But more importaint i need to find out how much of me is in her? I sent her to walk the streets of Stormwind to she how she would handle herself, and she is a natural almost like a real person. I followd cloacked in the shadows to keep her out of trouble, keep her safe...
She meet with that man from starlight i have seen a couple of times before lastly at the sparring match between Diig and that elven female from starlight as well.
I think she has a genuine interest in that one, but she takes after me in so many ways as she so easily got him in the palm of her hand... Not sure she will see it like i do, she does not view the dark side of the world like have been forced to for so long now to keep safe.
I think i will let this play out keeping her on a short leash for now.

This will be fun...

Book VI - page 16

By all the twisting nether, why did he have to go there...
I meant every word i said to him... He knows to much now... Why do i keep telling him all this? Why can i not just put him in his place and if he dosent like then... fine

But to see him this night... his body glistening in the moonlight as he fought the female elf from Starlight. His muscles tone to the full and his agile fomr moving almost flurntly...

Ohh shut of stupid girl... he can never fill that whole that the master left, nor shut any mortal man. Get that pretty little head of your out from the clouds and down into the dirt again... stop being such a dreamer for things you will never have... you will NEVER be normal. Your twisted and shrivled up inside... your heart no longer beats and blood is the only thrill you still feel... You are cut... torn apart... now man up and do what you where instructed to do!
*the last peragraf has been written in a different handwriting*

Book VI - page 15

I understand why he feels used... I cannot blaime him...
Had i only meet him before all this. He reminds in ways of Adrias though without the mood swings.
But can he ever accept the path i walk... I need to walk?
I would choose him in a heartbeat had it not been that i can never let go... I do not love Ye *scratched out* n anymore i have laid that part of me bare, but i can never love like that again... I was to betrayed.. to hurt...
Oh sometimes i just wish to vanish in the twisting neather become one with the chaos i feel inside...

Well i meet with Corin again at the Lamb and he seems that he genuin want to join us.
I am excited about this new path... But will it work?

Book VI - page 14

No...no...no...
How could it be...
Why...

Now dont be a fool... he is just playing you... like always...
Dont sway from from your goal... not when you are so close... Be free of him... Be strong
Silly Silly girl can you not see what he is doing...

But why... Ohh by the neather... To be in his presence... To see him again
If only i could have touched him...


I was going through Stormwind when all of a sudden i was forced away... where i do not know... But there he stood... Just like before... Well he is not what he once was... That other presence was gone... He is with the Legion now...
He scolded me like always... Telling me that i had learned nothing from him... How could i when he never teached me anything. When i was not more than a toy for him to please himself.

But i will do his bidding... well some of it. I will put away my hurt and i will take my anger and use it to fuel me... make them my weapons.

But can i become strong enough... to take him? Could i somehow make alligence with the Legion to find out more?

I am a leader now which will come in handy for my further dealings... it is time to stop hiding in dark corners... No more sulking and whimpering...

I know what i must do... but first to satisfy this hunger for him... and there is only one capable of that, worthy of that... and he will kneel for me... beg for me... long for me with every fiber in his body... just like i long for my master

Book VI - page 13

Finally i got my markings... Ohh how i feel the shadows as a part of me now instead of just a weapon it has become a lover, a trusted friend... my companion...

But ohh by the nethers it hurt. Had it not been for Erinyea i am not sure i would have live through it.

It seems to have had a very interesting effect on my inner turmoil merging me and Erinyea more into one than before, i sence her greater and i feel she sences me. We are no longer two parts in fighting over one body... we are one... whole... stronger.

Ziz was there as i was marked, it is clear that she still longs for the shadows and the shadows long for her

shanra markede hende ziz var der sjanra forlod dem dem
var sammen med ziz
meet with wolfmoore at the lamb

Book VI - page 13

Finally i got my markings... Ohh how i feel the shadows as a part of me now instead of just a weapon it has become a lover, a trusted friend... my companion...
But ohh by the nethers it hurt. Had it not been for Erinyea i am not sure i would have live through it.

It seems to have had a very interesting effect on my inner turmoil merging me and Erinyea more into one than before, i sence her greater and i feel she sences me. We are no longer two parts in fighting over one body... we are one... whole... stronger.

Ziz was there as i was marked, it is clear that she still longs for the shadows and the shadows long for her and so did I... I have wantet her ever since she broke before me the first time over three years ago... I do not care for her powers, they do not interest me but to see her true self... The shadows were so strong so tempting and i gave in to it all, let everything fill me... the shadows, the power, the lust and desire... Ziz...

I hope this sharing of essences will keep us as we were ment too... walking side by side as sirens... as sisters... as one...

I think i have found a new protector a new oath brother... i will meet him tomorrow to find out more...

Book VI - page 12

Well my first meeting with the oath went well. It didnt seem that anyone niticed anything so i guess i have done well in making the connection as subtle and faint as possible. Diig seemed to like Jade as we had a most thrilling time trying out how i experience things as Jade.

I meet with Shanra, Zizey and Narmia at Ziz camp in redridge but like always it was a distaster... why do i even bother with the two of them... Though after Ziz left we went to the keep and i found out that Nam is working dobbelt for Shanra and Zizey... Interesting...


I was slightly annoyed when i meet with Garret but he helped me let of steam and the practice was fun... he is intriging i must admit... Funny why Ziz did not stay with him...

Book VI - page 11

Silly silly girl... do you even fatom the concequenses of your actions...?

Well many would indeed feel privilages to be trained by the ones i have called masters.
Destiny *the word seems to have been hard to write* Death and Balance... and now The Reaver

And still there is only one for with the words master truely applies...
*a tear has hit the page*

There are only a few left i feel i can trust, only i few a cherrish... And that is my weakness i still feel to much... Diig is by my side without question willing to give his life for me i would dare say and for what, I could never truelly love him... Just as i could not love Cy, Ami and Gabriel.

I am broken... I am not whole anymore... I have removed all those fellings... Letting her feelings govern my actions... I seek solace in the shadows... In the power they have given me.

Selasius came to me today wanting me to help Zizey... Somethings i wrong with him i sence the difference in him a twisted spark of my sister in some way... I need to find out what this is all about... I need to call the sisters together and maybe the oathbound as well.

I had my first lesson with Garret this evening...
It was interesting to say the least... But i am unsure if i should proceed, if this a ruse from him... This way of training i do not like, he gets to know to much...
To much he can use against me...
But to see the desire in his eyes and not giving in to him... makes it all worth it...

Book VI - page 10

*the pen has been scraches hard over the page in anger some words hard to read because of it*

Shanra asked me to come to a meeting between Ziz and him, using me to annoy her... An i played right into it.

And like always i was sent away with a new member Narmia. She is to become a siren.
We went to the harbour to talk´about what it means to be a siren.

Afterwards i went to sit on the rooftops by the Pig when Diig came. I took him outside the city behind the mage quarters... And then... HE... came... I dont know his name, but it seems he thinks he is a champion of Ye *name scratched almost out* rn...
Something about me not gonna ruin the masters plans or he would kill me jada jada, i have heard that speach like a million times before...

But what is it with men today... he is not back thou...

Stupid screwed up little girl...
You know what your thinking of doing will get you killed...
Yes it will proberbly be by him but hwat are you doing...

I needed to blow of steam after THAT meeting and whent hunting for the second time today thou this time i was not hunting deer...

Diig found me in the city and was very sweet and compforting to me, when Shana came.
He was totally out of line, beeing all cold and distant... well i can see Ziz is back...

He left and i needed Diig to ease my temper...

I hope he will survive this...

Book VI - page 9

Well indeed it is spring in the air

I meet with one of Zizs old aquaintants by the waterfall today; Haleth Freethingker... I was there for a morning swim.
And now i know why she has kept him to herself... Thou all that polite holy issue is just getting old... We love the same things it seems, like waterfalls and nature.

He actually asked me out on a date... A date! I have never been on a date, well he would be a good aceet so i can mix work with pleasure this time.

So i saied yes...

I went to the interview with Lyss and Alerie at the inn in lakeshire as Jade... They did not surspect anything and i were allowed to join the Oath... again

This is going to be interesting...

Uhh then i got a letter from Halath asking me to meet him at the harbour an hour before midnight.
He took me to Decolace... again something we have in common as i love that place.
He took me to a small lake where we talked and eat a light meal... It was very nice...

Is this how it is to be... normal?
It was lovely... peachfull

Book VI - page 8

He was with that little pretty thing when i meet him at the Pig... I can never remember her name... Think a got a little annoyed even thou i promised myself i would not let it get to me.

Well i saw that little pretty human from last night Avilan if i remember correct, so i took her outside the city to talk a little. I found out she knew Ziz so i reached out to my dear sweet sister but surprise, like always she was angry with me. This time about Shanra beeing back.

Like always she was only there briefly but we agreed upon meeting tomorrow to talk more.
Hmm i wonder how much to tell her...? well i will not say to much yet and see how she is now...

I mett with Lorich... I have really missed him i can feel that now... He was hurt from before, but who can blaime him... To compete for my affection together with Amirol and ending up beeing the looser... Sometimes i wonder if i chose right back then?
Diig was there watching... i dont know why but i liked that he was a little jealous...
Is it because he never was
Is it because it makes me feel wanted... special...
Ohh come on stupid, he has a girlfirend...

But is that not for the best... i keep my freedom not getting tied down like all always tries to do and still i get to be with him...

Ohh and the nights... well is it because we are only together fleetingly that it becomes so full of passion?

Wake up girl.. what are you doing... can you handle all this...you are joggling many balls at the moment... be carefull you house of cards does not fall down and leaves you crushed...

Book VI - page 7

I meet the sweetest human woman outside the pig today Avilan was her name.
There where a lot of low life human males around so we went for a walk outside Stormwind and we sat down by Mirror lake.

Then he was there all of a sudden, i had almost forgotten the feel of his presence. But by the nethers the light hurts more than ever. I am unsure how well i will handle juggling the light and the darkness like this.

But he is home... We flew to Mount Hiyal and spend a very interesting evening together but again his light... Oh by all the gods... why is it just like the pain and pleasure of it all...

What is wrong with me... am i turning into her? Have i let my guards so much down that she has gaind to much control... or is it the emptiness inside i am trying to fill but the hungers is just to great... and until i get him purged from my memories and my heart... he is the only one that will ever fill it properly.

*a drop of ink stains the page as if the writer stops scribling and sat in thought*

Book VI - page 6

He is finnaly fully back... in his own form and not that femal, thou she was cute...

We talked about what is gonna happen now and who we can trust.

I tried to summon Zizey but she needed to do something first.

He is still as alluring as ever... So what is holding me back from giving myself to him?

We were playing the teasing game as always...

He still is the only one to see my true worth...If only there where others that saw in me what se does.

We called for Diig *this is written as if the person was angry when writting it*

He was so degrading to me, calling me Shanras puppy...

How dares he treat me like that thing that less of me... And still i cant help wanting him...He wants me as well but to degrade me to that level...

I will give him what he wants on his terms as i cannot deny him... Nor would i want to at the moment...

Lets see how this turns out... interesting... it has been a while since my hunger has been so satisfyed... not since him...

Book VI - page 5

He has returned... finally
My master is comming back to this world from the shadows.
He wants me to gather the sirens and others loyal to him...

I went to tell Diig the news, he was at a meeting with the Oath.
He has another... love... This is the best... i am not good for anyone, broken...

Shanra will teach me to control my soul... my emotions... adn strengthen my resolve and control over the shadows...
I cant wait to show him how powerfull i have become... will he be pleased i wonder?

I went to seek out Kallar thou he is as he always is... closed
Then i saw him there... Diig...

I went to the lighthouse and he came... to talk...I told him... everything... everything about who and what i am.
He stayed, he did not push me away... he should have... I could not control myself, I could not hold back... I kissed him...

What am i doing, how can i be so cruel... he has another... i have been the one to be betrayed so how can i do this myself...

I had to run as he did not break the kiss himself...
It was bliss... but it was wrong...

I want him... yet he diserves better... one to be true to him forever... a promis i can never give... again

Book VI - page 4

Tomorrow i will start my training in this new form, it is so alien to me and i feel clumpsy and small... Jade is the name i have taken for myself...

Tomorrow...

For now i will return to my own body laying on the bed in the ship... I just want to be alone for now... shutting of the calls from Diig. It is a good thing Ye *scratched out in rage* n, he shielded the ship from both Shanra and Ashanas magic or Diig would have just followed me here and i would have had to hurt him... this is my sanctuary... the ship... his ship...

Wonder if he would have liked the new body... He has only cared for humans to my knowledge... But this body is reserved for someone else...

Book VI - page 3

I know where it is... the shard will be mine, my quest will soon end, and i can let go of it all...

I have spend over a year but one of my spies came true...

Oh to bee free, to be able to cut away the last ties to him.. to my past... throw the ring away...
Indeed it will cost me a piece of my soul, but it will only make me stronger to cut him away...

I still sence him and it is torment...
No more... No MOORE... Fr *a small drop of something wet has washed out the last word*

Book VI - page 2

What has changed, why and when...?

It puzzeles me... When i removed that piece of my soul and severed the connection it was purpose to take all those memories away... All the hurt...

I have been thinking much of my old life as of late, been thinking of all my time in the shadow realm with Shanra, training... Many have turned their back on me, i have turned my back to many but he has always been there listening, helping... i know his motivation, but i have my own agenda for this... even when it stopped to matter, i still pushed on with my training...

Ashes... it is all ashed of the past... i am alone
Yes i know it is my own doing... i am not a fool... anymore...
He tought me more then he will ever know... i am stronger now... SO much stronger...


Then why do i sit here lingering in darkness... i shun feeling yet those memories still burn my tormented soul, it coarses through my vains like venom.

I will clense myself of it all... be born again in this new form, just like Shanra tought me...

Qill is dead but Jade will arise...

Book VI - page 1

What has happened to me...?
What have i become..?
An empty shell.
There is no colours in the world anymore. The world has become a shadow to me. The people insignificant, trivial and dull...
The is no challange anymore, i have become what i strived for; powerfull both in my arts but also in my network og infiltrators yet i could care less it is all pointless.
I know all that goes on almost, i am a shadow amongst men. Yet still they are toys, easilly swayed by intimate words... fools all of them...
I have become cold and distant. Staying for myself on the ship. Locking the world out, nothing matters anymore. There is no passion, no soul...

Why do i bother... Gabriel, Diigar even Shanra, all of them, they are at my feet, they will give me the world on a silver platter, yet i do not care... distractions at best... nothing more...
They have given me their souls, bound themself to my will... i have become to good at playing the victime.. and they are all fooled... Too easy...
Only one has ever truelly touched me, interested my... was a challange... something to work for, worth the effort...

This is not all true... there is another; Kallar but is it not just because of what he reminds me of?
He is one of the only i cannot just sway and bend to my will...

I am just waiting... weary of the world around me...

But what if... if he should ever return... i know he is out there... i dont care anymore... he holds no power over me anymore. Yes truth he holds a piece of my soul if he wants and could control some part of me, but he will never leve me like a whimpering fool for his affection... NEVER AGAIN... i am MUCH stronger now... And the only thing left is hate or is there even that, feelings are not a part of me anymore... He cared for Sivri, he cares for his regaind love... He NEVER cared for me that i know now and therefore he will never be able to play me again, never i will let down my guards if he should return... NEVER! I was betrayed thou i always kept my word even thou he didnt know much of what i did for him... i never betrayed him and i never will... unlike him i am true to my peomise and my words are my bonds...

Why is he always there in the back of my mind like a hunting spirit... i need to find a way to erase him... i need to kill every last memory and feeling... I need to destroy the shard to cut the bonds i have tied myself to him with... somehow i will prevail... and stand stronger... Stand without anyone having control over me... that does not diserve it...