Book VI - page 37

Well it seems she has won...  They both let me go like i knew they would...
I have pushed them to fare and i cant blaime any of them.

Poor little lamb all broken and torn... Hush now and let me take your pain away... They did not want you badly enough, why else would they have let you go to your death?
Now will you go find your mentor or your master?
Where shall you soul be scattered and i be free? No more pain my little one... No more pain...

Darkness come take my pain away and let me sleep...

*Small scorched holes litter the page making it slightly difficult to read*

*A note tucked in between the sheets*

I stand on the brink of your mind
Living inside a nightmare from which I just cannot awaken
Just give me another moment from which I will never awaken

Stand on the brink of my own demise
Fallen again for another
Mistress of pain am I
Hoping that one of them will decide

To stand on the edge of the knife
Cutting through the nightmare from which I just cannot awaken
Stand on the edge of the night living inside a moment
From which I will never awaken

Look at what you've done to me
You've become my enemy
Poisoning the world for me
Taken away my everything
Weakened as I am

Book VI - page 36

Everything is a mess... I am so torn and broken inside... A betrayed and a seductress...

But i never meant to hurt him, never meant to hurt anyone... I don't know what is wrong with me, don't even recognize the one staring back at me from the mirror.

I am drowning in my sea of loathing, feeling what's left of my elven side slowly changing in me.
There is no turning back now as i feel the demon inside me have awoken.
I can sense inside myself, the darkness is rising and it seems that all that was good inside has died
and is decaying in me.

Who am i trying to fool... Another dream that will never come true...


I have taken your life from you, a gift i add to my own pain and suffering.
Another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely and all the cries
you're beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening.

Another nightmare is about to come true... Another love that I've taken from you
Letting you taste the evil i breed, leveling you complete and bringing to life everything that you fear as I live in the dark like a woman in suffering never truly telling you why. I just come around to let you saver each moment but leaving you broken like a bloodstained hurricane.

When the heart is cold and broken, there's no hope for me running into the neather away from all my power has done to you. I only hope you will heal inside... Trapped in this holocaust watching me laugh. My face haunting your waking moments.

It seems my very soul has to bleed this time leaving another hole in the wall of my inner defenses.

But my love is split in two, like my soul... bleeding inside only feeling relive with each of you.
This i know cant go on but where will i end? Do they even see what hides behind the soft smile and shining eyes. Do they even sense the change inside.

I need to let go but i fear that that will mean loosing the last strand of humanity inside me... The darkness filling me completely and driving out all else...

I only hope the ritual can give me control... But i fear i will be lost in darkness...

Book VI - page 35

The shadows have changed me to my core i am certain as i feel them coursing through my veins. I am changing still becomming more like her and less... like me.

I feel a darkness falling over my heart.. and soul. Will this finally take away the pain?

But the powers.. ohh the powers... and i now see the world trough changed eyes... It is no longer as black and white as before... The tones of gray that has filled in between.

So much has happened and i have not had time to be on the ship much.

Amirol was brought back.. finally but the loss of him weighs heavy on my heart... He was the one pure thing... The one most like my true self... And now i lost him... I do not blaime him. I am tainted and dark... I am what he dispises most in this world; corruption. But i am happy for him at least now he is free again and i hope he will find the love i could never truely give him... Yet the sting in my heart i fear will linger forever and i dread to look upon his face ever again for the fear of having his judging eyes run over me.

A lot of conflicts have been styrring, Shanra has returned to the duskblade, so Shereeze told me... Not even a word? Guess that was how much he respected me to not even tell me of this face to face... And my ring?

I have meet a demon that is so much like Erinyea though he seems more obsessed than she does, he has to little patiance. He would fit well in the order if he can respect his place.

I finally found out about what it was with Kitty. She is a devourere. Kae'Dal broke her bonds and she does not know control. I was unprepared for the drain but i am not anymore. Diigar will make a new braclet for her with the gem from her collar but for now she wears mine.. So she knows.. This does not worry me however as i feel i can trust her. I feel so strongly for her... a need to protect her and be there for her... Diigar said i acted like a mother towards her...
Maybe he is right and i see Kitty as such?
I long for a child of my own... A girl to give all my love to, to be the center of my heart... But i do not think this would ever happen... My relations always break...

I dont know where we stand... Does he want her more than me? Is it his loyalty toward me that keeps him in place? Maybe i should set him free to see what he wants to do?
I do not blaim him.. Zizey is all that i am not... All that i wish i could be but never will... Strong, willfull and beautiful beyond compare.
She is a true leader... I will never be...