Book VII - Page 6

Its been a long time since I was back here on the boat and as I read through the pages I can only shake my head at myself.

I havent seen Dii or Ami for over 5 months now... Everyone and everything is gone.

I hate her for not doing anything about Jaro and no putting pictures in his head about pleasure is not a punishment.

I ran into Lokkie which was as always rather interesting and amusing but it made me take matters into my own hands and I went to seek out Jaro myself. We came to terms and his apology I actually believed.. Am I turning into Ziz?

As I was walking back I fell over a group of most interesting people and I decided to have a closer look. After their meeting I couldn't help but to approach their leader Ferrow. He seems to be a druid but there is something more.. Something dark.
Well he is leader of the Zindelars and over the next couple of days I was introduced to some of the others. The demonhunter I kept away from as best possible.
But Royjshi is interesting and worth a closer look.

Seems he is Ferrows brother...

So I took him by surprise with the kiss?? It was nothing just teasing him.. But Lorich was annoyed just because I have never been with him? That I picked Amirol over him and now Ferrow? I am not choosing Ferrow... It is not like that...

After it all went south with Jaro taunting me I was glad when Tyre found me... He is the one thing  that can always calm me down.

Book VII - Page 5

Just when i think i know my path... something like this happens...

The night was exhilarating... He is finally starting to understand that i am not made of glass and not hold back with me but give in to what he feels and wants.

I am stilled bruised from the night with Ami but i am over the edge exhausted from last night...

I got the answers i needed but some of them was a chock to me to hear him say and it almost makes me rethink if this risk is worth it... But It is, i need to heal properly...

It was an incredible night but it was his words that made me have that dream... and well a girl can fantasies cant she? As long as i wake up and remember it was just a dream.. a dream not to pursue...

Book VII - Page 4

Why do I keep getting so depressed from time to time. I am an emotional whirlwind inside.
Things get clouded and I convince myself of the easy why out.

I finally took matters into my own hands instead of always wallowing in self pity. I need to talk to both of them and last night i got the answers I need from the first.

the cuts and bruises from last night only makes me feel more alive. It was clear that we had not seen each other in a long time... And how I love this feral side of him... But still he is so much more than just a beast.

I fear for my meeting with Dii and what he his answers will be? But i miss him...

This is so confusing to stand with your heart ripped between two, how can i feel so strongly for them both? It is not right but still i cannot deny it, I can't choose and I can't stay away.

Both for now I will just go back and cuddle up in his arms and forget everything... for now

Book VII - Page 3

It is nice to be alone again... The cool air out here seems to make everything clearer... I need to get the ring back and then i need it destroyed once and for all... And after that I need to find my own path away from all of this... all of them...

I have been here for almost a week now and not one sound. Well i guess actions speak louder than words and I myself have pulled away again... Just like my years on the ship but instead of studying how to find him again which I finally did. Now i a training with myself... Studying myself... And for the first time in a long long time he does not cloud my judgement or else i would have gone to him by now...

To feel him back in this realm, to sense how close he is again... It nearly woke her and i feel her stirring like she is just about to wake from a dream.. or nightmare?

I just cant help to wonder why he is back.. Why now?

If only but no i am alone with this and no one can know cause non of them understand...

I have been so foolish, so lost... But what made the change? Was it their pulling back.. I knew it would become to much at some point... I am not worthy or their love no matter what anyone says...
I destroy everything i touch, just like i have with them...

But when this is all done they will have peace and maybe so will i... I just pray that he doesn't try to find me or contact me because i know if i sense him it is because he lets me. 

And i may be strong now out here in the cold... but i am alone... and he is back

Book VII - Page 2

I finally found Tyre at the Exodar with his group of people but i must admit i am more confused now than before. I think he said yes but if the yes was for me or it was directed at his order i am unsure.
He seemed distant as well and i am starting to feel trapped in this isolated prison of ice.

Every day i feel this storm raging inside me a battle between fire and ice.
What will happen if i break of another piece of my soul?
The new warlock of Ziz's seems to think that it will not be possible but Metus still thinks it is as long as he can get access to those books that Ziz promised him and the library at the Kirin'Tor.
I will send him the letter that will give him access today so he has a place to start. I just hope that T'Aleonne still is a part of them so he will not be turned away.

But i just need to look forward towards a new dawn but all of this behind me and try to be free, free of all this... I have come along way i just need to survive the last...

Book VII - Page 1

A fresh start or?

I have not felt so good inside and yet so broken ever since the ritual.

I am trilled that i am once again the one in control and that everything seems in some way brighter... But it is all a ruse because i have never felt this broken and destroyed inside. I so clearly feel they are both pulling away and i am desperate... desperate enough to try this. A small part of me actually wished it will go wrong and i will just slip away maybe then i will feel peace.

The item i sent through returned... The portal works just like the demon said but i am not sure who sent it back the taint on it is new and alien to me... Maybe i should just let this be.

I have had that dream again... It has been coming every night since the ritual but i am unsure of what it means?

I have not been able to get a hold of Tyre for when the orb is done Metus on the other hand thinks he can do it...

Amirol seems to grow distant i think he misses Moonglade but stayes to make sure i am safe.

Dii I only see fleetingly. It is intense like always but it is just to hard knowing he lusts for her so much. To say it our loud before the whole order, it was like a slap to the face well i would rather have taken the slap any day. I know it is unfair for me to think like this but at least i try to pull away from them both when they are there and not show any affection because that would just be cruel.

Why has he bound himself to me like this when i am not the one and only? I have always been so sure that that was what i was to Amirol but i am not so sure anymore.

I hope to find a way to heal myself soon or else i fear i will end up taking the portal just to get away... But what will happen then? Who will i choose, if any of them?
So many questions, so few answers... In a way i feel more in darkness now than ever before...

Book VI - Page 39

The ritual went badly wrong and yet I have not felt like myself for so long... The shadows have burned away, my markings are gone.. all of them.

She sleeps i feel it clearly... The moonmaiden did something to us all...

Yet i am still broken that part she apparently could not heal...

But by the goddes he has changed since... He is all i have longed for for so long yet i know that it is not who he really is...

Dii finally told me everything, if he had only done to begin with... I felt the lies and doubt within him... the guilt eating him but... Now i can forgive him

I still love him just as much but it will take time to regain what we had...

I just wish i could go with him on his trip but i sensed that it was something he needed to do... to find the man he now is... without the taint of Shanra...

Book VI - Page 38

Well i didnt go like planned but at least i got what i came for.
I just let go... stopped caring and pulled back... I dont remember much but bits and pieces of Shadowmoon Vally spark into my memory from time to time...

Why do i always fall like this... I should be smarter...

I killed my mark, set Kitty and Dii free, they have both chosen different paths to follow and it is not mine.

But i was careless, i did not think, the blade dug to deep... Amirol came... He tried to hide the tears... I would have died had it not been for him... I owe him my life so many times over...

Still my thought are with Dii... Why do i seem to want to hurt... He wants her... they all do... always

 

Book VI - page 37

Well it seems she has won...  They both let me go like i knew they would...
I have pushed them to fare and i cant blaime any of them.

Poor little lamb all broken and torn... Hush now and let me take your pain away... They did not want you badly enough, why else would they have let you go to your death?
Now will you go find your mentor or your master?
Where shall you soul be scattered and i be free? No more pain my little one... No more pain...

Darkness come take my pain away and let me sleep...

*Small scorched holes litter the page making it slightly difficult to read*

*A note tucked in between the sheets*

I stand on the brink of your mind
Living inside a nightmare from which I just cannot awaken
Just give me another moment from which I will never awaken

Stand on the brink of my own demise
Fallen again for another
Mistress of pain am I
Hoping that one of them will decide

To stand on the edge of the knife
Cutting through the nightmare from which I just cannot awaken
Stand on the edge of the night living inside a moment
From which I will never awaken

Look at what you've done to me
You've become my enemy
Poisoning the world for me
Taken away my everything
Weakened as I am

Book VI - page 36

Everything is a mess... I am so torn and broken inside... A betrayed and a seductress...

But i never meant to hurt him, never meant to hurt anyone... I don't know what is wrong with me, don't even recognize the one staring back at me from the mirror.

I am drowning in my sea of loathing, feeling what's left of my elven side slowly changing in me.
There is no turning back now as i feel the demon inside me have awoken.
I can sense inside myself, the darkness is rising and it seems that all that was good inside has died
and is decaying in me.

Who am i trying to fool... Another dream that will never come true...


I have taken your life from you, a gift i add to my own pain and suffering.
Another truth you can never believe has crippled you completely and all the cries
you're beginning to hear trapped in your mind, and the sound is deafening.

Another nightmare is about to come true... Another love that I've taken from you
Letting you taste the evil i breed, leveling you complete and bringing to life everything that you fear as I live in the dark like a woman in suffering never truly telling you why. I just come around to let you saver each moment but leaving you broken like a bloodstained hurricane.

When the heart is cold and broken, there's no hope for me running into the neather away from all my power has done to you. I only hope you will heal inside... Trapped in this holocaust watching me laugh. My face haunting your waking moments.

It seems my very soul has to bleed this time leaving another hole in the wall of my inner defenses.

But my love is split in two, like my soul... bleeding inside only feeling relive with each of you.
This i know cant go on but where will i end? Do they even see what hides behind the soft smile and shining eyes. Do they even sense the change inside.

I need to let go but i fear that that will mean loosing the last strand of humanity inside me... The darkness filling me completely and driving out all else...

I only hope the ritual can give me control... But i fear i will be lost in darkness...

Book VI - page 35

The shadows have changed me to my core i am certain as i feel them coursing through my veins. I am changing still becomming more like her and less... like me.

I feel a darkness falling over my heart.. and soul. Will this finally take away the pain?

But the powers.. ohh the powers... and i now see the world trough changed eyes... It is no longer as black and white as before... The tones of gray that has filled in between.

So much has happened and i have not had time to be on the ship much.

Amirol was brought back.. finally but the loss of him weighs heavy on my heart... He was the one pure thing... The one most like my true self... And now i lost him... I do not blaime him. I am tainted and dark... I am what he dispises most in this world; corruption. But i am happy for him at least now he is free again and i hope he will find the love i could never truely give him... Yet the sting in my heart i fear will linger forever and i dread to look upon his face ever again for the fear of having his judging eyes run over me.

A lot of conflicts have been styrring, Shanra has returned to the duskblade, so Shereeze told me... Not even a word? Guess that was how much he respected me to not even tell me of this face to face... And my ring?

I have meet a demon that is so much like Erinyea though he seems more obsessed than she does, he has to little patiance. He would fit well in the order if he can respect his place.

I finally found out about what it was with Kitty. She is a devourere. Kae'Dal broke her bonds and she does not know control. I was unprepared for the drain but i am not anymore. Diigar will make a new braclet for her with the gem from her collar but for now she wears mine.. So she knows.. This does not worry me however as i feel i can trust her. I feel so strongly for her... a need to protect her and be there for her... Diigar said i acted like a mother towards her...
Maybe he is right and i see Kitty as such?
I long for a child of my own... A girl to give all my love to, to be the center of my heart... But i do not think this would ever happen... My relations always break...

I dont know where we stand... Does he want her more than me? Is it his loyalty toward me that keeps him in place? Maybe i should set him free to see what he wants to do?
I do not blaim him.. Zizey is all that i am not... All that i wish i could be but never will... Strong, willfull and beautiful beyond compare.
She is a true leader... I will never be...

Book VI - page 34

So much has happened i dont even know where to start. He is sleeping on the bed in the cabin as i have taken my jounal outside in the cool air to relax a little. He meet Erinyea for the first time but he didnt seem to mind her too much, but ohh how my body aches from the strain.

The loss of Tyre took its tole but well i did not get as fare as to give my feelings free but now i needed to find someone else to guard my ring.

But it was nice to be a little normal for a while... the winters veil he held for me was my first and it warmed me inside in a way i have not feelt since i was a child.
He knows all of me now i can only think of what he will do with that?

Shanra has the ring as he was one of the only ones i trusted at that time. He and Erinyea seems to enjoy each others company and i had not objections at that point.

I was so alone when he returned. I had Shanra but i know how he is and therefore we will never be anything but allies, deep compassionat allies... but allies still.

And he clearly won the hunt. Cleaver of him to trick me into loosing my powers.
I felt a deep sting as he saved my life on the island that night and i knew he would never leave me and that his words are ture... They must be...

Well there has been so much to do with the order and i am looking forward to but also dreading the ritual of assention...

It will not be easy to keep this a secret but i most.. for now... and i can only hope that this will not end like last... That would be my demise...
But to feel what i felt then.. what i still feel... stop always holding back... let go of all the fear...
He said he wants me not just my body but all that i am... This will either be a dream come true or another trip to the neathers.

Ohh but to have that whole filled again and be one... To be able to let go and move on from the images of him that still haunts my every waking hour...


Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires...