Book VII - Page 3

It is nice to be alone again... The cool air out here seems to make everything clearer... I need to get the ring back and then i need it destroyed once and for all... And after that I need to find my own path away from all of this... all of them...

I have been here for almost a week now and not one sound. Well i guess actions speak louder than words and I myself have pulled away again... Just like my years on the ship but instead of studying how to find him again which I finally did. Now i a training with myself... Studying myself... And for the first time in a long long time he does not cloud my judgement or else i would have gone to him by now...

To feel him back in this realm, to sense how close he is again... It nearly woke her and i feel her stirring like she is just about to wake from a dream.. or nightmare?

I just cant help to wonder why he is back.. Why now?

If only but no i am alone with this and no one can know cause non of them understand...

I have been so foolish, so lost... But what made the change? Was it their pulling back.. I knew it would become to much at some point... I am not worthy or their love no matter what anyone says...
I destroy everything i touch, just like i have with them...

But when this is all done they will have peace and maybe so will i... I just pray that he doesn't try to find me or contact me because i know if i sense him it is because he lets me. 

And i may be strong now out here in the cold... but i am alone... and he is back

Book VII - Page 2

I finally found Tyre at the Exodar with his group of people but i must admit i am more confused now than before. I think he said yes but if the yes was for me or it was directed at his order i am unsure.
He seemed distant as well and i am starting to feel trapped in this isolated prison of ice.

Every day i feel this storm raging inside me a battle between fire and ice.
What will happen if i break of another piece of my soul?
The new warlock of Ziz's seems to think that it will not be possible but Metus still thinks it is as long as he can get access to those books that Ziz promised him and the library at the Kirin'Tor.
I will send him the letter that will give him access today so he has a place to start. I just hope that T'Aleonne still is a part of them so he will not be turned away.

But i just need to look forward towards a new dawn but all of this behind me and try to be free, free of all this... I have come along way i just need to survive the last...

Book VII - Page 1

A fresh start or?

I have not felt so good inside and yet so broken ever since the ritual.

I am trilled that i am once again the one in control and that everything seems in some way brighter... But it is all a ruse because i have never felt this broken and destroyed inside. I so clearly feel they are both pulling away and i am desperate... desperate enough to try this. A small part of me actually wished it will go wrong and i will just slip away maybe then i will feel peace.

The item i sent through returned... The portal works just like the demon said but i am not sure who sent it back the taint on it is new and alien to me... Maybe i should just let this be.

I have had that dream again... It has been coming every night since the ritual but i am unsure of what it means?

I have not been able to get a hold of Tyre for when the orb is done Metus on the other hand thinks he can do it...

Amirol seems to grow distant i think he misses Moonglade but stayes to make sure i am safe.

Dii I only see fleetingly. It is intense like always but it is just to hard knowing he lusts for her so much. To say it our loud before the whole order, it was like a slap to the face well i would rather have taken the slap any day. I know it is unfair for me to think like this but at least i try to pull away from them both when they are there and not show any affection because that would just be cruel.

Why has he bound himself to me like this when i am not the one and only? I have always been so sure that that was what i was to Amirol but i am not so sure anymore.

I hope to find a way to heal myself soon or else i fear i will end up taking the portal just to get away... But what will happen then? Who will i choose, if any of them?
So many questions, so few answers... In a way i feel more in darkness now than ever before...

Book VI - Page 39

The ritual went badly wrong and yet I have not felt like myself for so long... The shadows have burned away, my markings are gone.. all of them.

She sleeps i feel it clearly... The moonmaiden did something to us all...

Yet i am still broken that part she apparently could not heal...

But by the goddes he has changed since... He is all i have longed for for so long yet i know that it is not who he really is...

Dii finally told me everything, if he had only done to begin with... I felt the lies and doubt within him... the guilt eating him but... Now i can forgive him

I still love him just as much but it will take time to regain what we had...

I just wish i could go with him on his trip but i sensed that it was something he needed to do... to find the man he now is... without the taint of Shanra...

Book VI - Page 38

Well i didnt go like planned but at least i got what i came for.
I just let go... stopped caring and pulled back... I dont remember much but bits and pieces of Shadowmoon Vally spark into my memory from time to time...

Why do i always fall like this... I should be smarter...

I killed my mark, set Kitty and Dii free, they have both chosen different paths to follow and it is not mine.

But i was careless, i did not think, the blade dug to deep... Amirol came... He tried to hide the tears... I would have died had it not been for him... I owe him my life so many times over...

Still my thought are with Dii... Why do i seem to want to hurt... He wants her... they all do... always